How To Find Your Inner Compass and Start Using It Today
"I don’t have my own inner compass. I'm not in touch enough to know when I feel most like myself. I feel like I always take on what I think other people think of me vs. what my heart of heart’s really wants to do, because of that, a lot of my decisions have been fear based throughout my life."
Does any of that resonate for you? Are you also searching for your own inner compass? Do you notice a lot of your decisions are based out of fear? Have you spent most of your life outside of yourself and trying to be in the head's of the people in your life so you can be liked and approved of?
Well, me too!! I have an intimate relationship to this dynamic. And I'm also deeply in the process of reclaiming my own inner truth and inner voice.
I'll tell you what it takes to make this shift. It's a process of:
* Radical acceptance (of ourselves and others)
* Time every day connecting to ourselves. So commitment, day after day after day.
* Being willing to look at ourselves on every uncomfortable layer and use the information to learn more.
* Failing at times in order to learn and keep moving toward trusting and listening to ourselves.
* Experiencing the gut voice/intuition and establishing a relationship to it that gives us guidance and a sense of comfort.
When I list out the steps, the process of re-engaging our inner compass and ending a life of fear based decisions can feel big and overwhelming. But it truly just starts with one step and the commitment to that one step, day after day after day.
If you pause right now and ask yourself, what one small step might I take to start using my own inner compass, what is your answer?
REALLY PAUSE AND ALLOW YOUR ANSWER TO COME.
Allow the answer to arise.
It's fascinating in my work with amazing clients that literally every question that I ask, there is an answer. Even the toughest and deepest and most profound. I have never had a client say to me, "I just don't know." With enough time, something ALWAYS arises and this is true for YOU too. There is an answer to a step you can take today to reconnect with your own inner compass and the only answer you need comes from within you.
So you might decide to start journaling to your intuition or letting your higher self write a letter to you every day or sit for five minutes every morning and feel your sensations or walk for five minutes chanting your favorite mantra. You have the answer. You have the first step.
Are you willing to listen?
How to PLAY BIGGER In YOUR Own Life
Pause right now and check in with your body language. Is anything hunched, clenched, squeezed, constricted, furrowed? If so, can you take a breath into it and let it go for a moment?
It’s curious to wonder why so often we can tune in and find our shoulders squeezed in, our teeth clenched together or brow furrowed. I think of it as a way for us, as women, to take up less space in the world. To keep ourselves small so we fit in to the boxes that we have created for ourselves of what we think we “should” be.
Do you allow yourself to take up as much space as you are really allotted in life? Are your needs and values and ideas just as worthy as the other people in your life? Do you let your body be as it wants to be and not try to alter it to fit in and be small and scrunched and little and perfect? Can you dance and play and live largely and freely and make all the shapes your being wants to make without worrying about how you will be judged?
I know personally, I can let the box of my “should’s” and my guilt and my wanting to please everyone else close really tightly in around me so I end up feeling so small and so constricted. Letting my needs be just as important as anyone else’s opens the box and sets me free and yet still at times I hang out in that tiny box of my life, small and uptight because of it.
We constrict and play small because of so many reasons.
Do any of these resonate with you?
-You want everyone else around you to be happy and “good” and so you believe in order to do that you have to tuck in and let your needs go for the benefit of their needs.
-You’re worried about what’s going to happen later and what you said and what you did and what you’re going to say and what you’re going to do.
-You don’t have the support system you so desperately need and you’re running on empty because of it.
-You wonder if you’re doing the right thing, being the right way, doing enough for your family, for the world, for your bank account, for your long lost ancestors, your sister’s kids fundraiser, the planet.
If you said yes to any of the above, here are some ideas for you to unclench your jaw, break down the box, play big, live large.
1. The next time you notice that you have a need of your very own, something like not looking at Facebook past 9pm or choosing the dinner you’re going to have based on what you like, try actually listening to that need and that desire of yours. Every time we actually listen to ourselves, it lets us expand a bit more into ourselves.
2. Each morning before you get out of bed, imagine a big, soft, cushy cloud around your entire being. Imagine this cloud to be the space of your energy body. Feel how wide and vast it is. How much space it comfortably takes up. Feel into the expansiveness of your energy field around you and feel everything in your physical body take a deep breath in the spaciousness.
This expanded state is healing.
3. Have a conversation with yourself on paper. Start with a question to yourself. Something like, "Why am I clenching my teeth so much lately?" Whatever answer arises within you, allow that to be the answer. Work on not trying to change it, get away from it or want it to be different. Write down the answer that you got and then ask another clarifying question to help you get more and more and more information about your answer. Keep working on this like it’s an unfolding accordion of information within your soul. THEN, take one of the answers that really resonated with you and follow up on it. It might be that as you asked questions about your clenching, you got a feeling that you need to speak with your dad. Go ahead and call your dad.
Listening to the voice within helps us play bigger and take up more space every. single. time. Literally, every single time.
Try it out for yourself. When we start expanding, we unclench, we stand up straighter, we step into confidence. It’s a journey you can walk with yourself and you can start today.
What's Really Stopping You From Being With Yourself
So many of us struggle with BEING vs. DOING.
We want to spend more time just BEING but we find ourselves always drawn to doing, doing, doing.
We get busy with:
-work and overworking
-family demands
-saying yes when we mean no
-feeling more worthy when we’re doing something
-and putting the needs of others over our own.
Let’s start at the beginning. Let’s start basic.
What does DOING mean to you? I really do want you to pause here and think out your own personal definition of DOING. Write out or think up your own definition of DOING. Ok, next, what does BEING mean to you? Write out or think up your own definition of BEING.
I know for myself, DOING means keeping busy, staying involved, using my mind, being productive, being ON while BEING means listening to my heart (I might still be doing something but I’m in the flow of my heart), feeling joy in the moment of my experience, feeling connected and present.
So do your definitions of DOING and BEING match mine? If not, perfect! That’s exactly what I want to point out here. We all have our own personal standards, our own personal definitions of how we interact with the world. So you’re not doing/being anything right or wrong. By defining what these words mean for you, you can move forward.
Not all of us are going to have our lives fall into perfect place if we just start that dang meditation and yoga practice! I’ll be totally transparent here, when I used to practice yoga (I’m talking years ago at this point), I almost always left the practice feeling grumpy and off. In retrospect, I can see that even while I was supposed to just be “BEING” in myself during that time, I was having a conversation internally that was not relaxing or rejuvenating or full of presence.
So my goal through this exploration is to help you figure out what checks that box of actual BEING-ness for you.
If you know you are craving it but haven’t found it yet, here’s a thought for you to ponder. When you are trying to just BE with yourself, what is the conversation in your head? Is there a huge guilt trip going on for you about what you’re not doing at the moment? Is there fear rearing up about a possible future outcome or plan? Is there worry about all the things you didn’t do and who may or may not like you right now?
I really want you to pay attention to the thoughts that are happening in your mind the next time you have any window to just BE.
I’ve heard many clients want to just BE more and know that is one of the answers to their woes but they resist it, resist it, resist it. I’m throwing out the idea that the resistance comes from knowing that as soon as you step into that non-doing place, you start bullying yourself, judging yourself, capitalizing on your fears and worries and shaming yourself. So yeah, of course you’re going to resist going to that place.
Now, for the question of how to still integrate the very important act of BEING in this world even though you might blame, shame, judge or belittle yourself in the process leading up to it or while you're practicing it........
A couple of thoughts come to mind here:
-EMPATHY, when we practice empathy on ourselves, those scary and ugly thoughts still come but we welcome them in with loving arms and pull them toward us instead of trying to stay so busy that we never really have to face them. It’s OK to have fear and worry and pain and ugliness as long as you allow yourself to actually feel these things. It’s when we bully ourselves for what we feel, that things start to get really uncomfortable.
-FOLLOWING THE PATH OF YOUR HEART - So many of us hang out in our masculine selves a lot these days using our minds to navigate life day in and day out. Here is a call to let some of the amazingness and energy from your mind drain into your heart so that your heart can be the leader and the guide in your life at least some of the time.
What I’m suggesting here is that embracing what’s not working inside of you beyond just not making time to BE, is absolutely a huge step on the path to BEING more and more and more YOU.
It’s so important that we spend time in the white space of our lives so that we can integrate the fast paced, thinking, doing parts of us. Again, BEING can look like M A N Y different things. It’s not just sitting in meditation. It can be a walk on the beach, watching the sunset, savoring your tea in the morning. It might BE setting your timer through the day to take a breath and notice it or feeling your own heart beating when you lie in bed at night. BEING ness comes in so many forms and the one that is right for you is completely unique and completely ok.
You'll know when you've found it because you'll be in presence and in peace.
If you are looking for guidance and support to investigate further your inner mean girl that bullies you into overdoing all the time, please know that I'm here for that! Hit REPLY and let me know you're ready to search within or grab a spot on my calendar so we can chat about next steps.
Five Ways To Be Free From Judging Yourself and Others
Most everyone I know, myself included, spend a lot of time judging themselves and judging others. On the one hand, this is a quality that keeps us safe, right? As humans we are programmed to make judgements in order to survive and thrive.
On the other hand, we harm ourselves by assuming that others are judging us OR we judge ourselves first in an effort to keep ourselves small and protect ourselves from potential harms "out there."
I truly believe that some of our judging minds can be halted almost instantaneously and when we put this into practice the world will become a healthier and more tolerant place. Right now on this planet there is so much separation and pain while simultaneously so much love beating in our hearts.
Our quick judgements about others (especially those closest to us) and our bullying minds toward ourselves are not helping to end the perpetual cycle of separation, angst, pain, loneliness and fear. We are taught these judgements from the fears of our parents and caregivers and our peer groups. We want to fit in so we disown parts of ourselves in order to be safe and to be part of the tribe. It all makes total sense, but is it really serving us?
So that leaves us with two options in how to proceed:
Option 1: Keep on separating ourselves in an attempt to stay "safe" and judging ourselves and the world around us day after day after day whether those judgements have any basis in reality or not.
or
Option 2: Learn how to catch ourselves in the midst of our judgements of ourselves or each other and take steps to look at those judgements from a new angle.
I know both options very well. I’ve tried them both. And still do to this day. I just caught myself the other day worrying so much about being judged for something that was a total Story in my mind because I actually checked in with the person who had NO IDEA what I was talking about!
As an intuitive life coach to women from all over the world, I see how much our self judgement, our judging others and our worry about others judging us keeps us stuck.
Here are the four ways to turn the judgements that get you down into personal assets and aha moments:
1. Notice when you are using sentences like, "She's so .............................................. You fill in the blank here. Common ones might be bitchy, pessimistic, fake, dumb, awkward, insincere, crazy.
2. When you catch yourself in these judgements, take that ONE word that you are labeling the other person and and turn it around. Insert it into the courageous statement of "I am (fill in the word here).
3. See exactly what reaction comes up in you when you say this "I am" statement out loud. Do you laugh hysterically? Do you clench up? Do you immediately scoff at the ridiculousness of it all? Do you kind of see how it's maybe true?
4. Now, look for examples of when this "I am" statement is or was true. It can be anytime in your life, ever. So here's an example. You're coworker has been having a rough time lately and she's seemed really tired and out of sorts. At first you were compassionate but now it's getting to the point where you pretty much see her as whiny. There it is! Whiny. Now, take that word and insert it into, "I am whiny." Notice exactly what happens. How do you feel when you say that to yourself? Is it true? Look for examples of when you are or have ever been whiny. Mabye it was back when you were five and you remember that whiny feeling you would get every night around dinner time. Maybe you can kind of see how you whine to your partner at times. Play with it, sit with it, experiment.
5. Own it! When we can own these parts of ourselves that we tend to judge others for, the judgements begin to subside. It is sweet relief. What I'm saying is, we are judging others based on parts of ourselves that we don't accept. When we begin to accept these parts of ourselves, we no longer feel so flustered by them in others.
Do you see what I mean about this being a step toward less drama and more peace in your life?
Some simple yet brave recognition of where our deep judgements stem from gives us a whole new vantage point from which to view life!
How To Hear Your Heart
Do you wonder how to actually hear, let alone trust, the messages of your heart?
In today's busy, hectic, overwhelming, stimulating world, how are we supposed to hear our heart's?!
I want you to know that the voice of your heart is not so far away. That is yearns to be heard by you and honored. That it's right there waiting to sing you sweet lullabies and guide you gently like the sweetest mama.
The thing is it might be timid at first. It might take some time for it to feel safe coming out to share it's messages with you.
Imagine a little girl who has tried her best to express her needs to the world. Without emotional maturity her needs don't always come out clearly and succinct and so the world doesn't always understand her. Slowly, over time, she retreats. She doesn't feel seen or heard. She's not sure if she fits or is even wanted.
Finally.......... someone gets her and has enough time and space to see her fully. They beckon her to join them in life and all it's many winding adventures. But, she's a bit wounded. She's a bit shy from her journey so far and so she doesn't just blindly trust and jump on board. She hesitates and waits and ponders and tests.
This little girl is your heart that's been ignored or belittled or shamed for some time now.
She's ready to come out and be your greatest gift, biggest teacher and trusted ally but she needs a whole bunch of reassurance that you'll hear her and trust her and listen. She needs a whole lot of patience that you want her voice around.
So give it time as you claim your feelings and your needs. Give yourself time as you invite your intuition to guide you. You may at first hear silence and that might lead to doubt. You may at first doubt and that might lead to shame.
But I beckon you to throw kindness at your heart's voice, to throw gentleness at her. I beckon you to be as patient as you would on your very best day with a baby in your care.
I see it in my client's all the time that the first step to uncovering their authentic selves and heart's voice is deep resistance and fear. It's uncomfortable but they hang out there and keep going. They allow the discomfort and confusion.
The layers that live beyond those places of fear and doubt and resistance and sabotage are the layers of peace and presence and play they have been seeking for a long, long time.
I beckon you to do the same.
Mindful HabitsTour Post:The Gift In Knowing Our Feelings
This post is part of the Mindful Habits Blog Tour, a virtual “tour” where 13 women post on 14 different days about the power of habit for running a business, being healthy, and getting creative. The Tour is run by Sarah Hawkins of True North Business Management. Check out the full lineup of women posting as part of the tour here.
You're at work, it's Wednesday and you're back aches. Day after day you come to this desk and do what needs to be done. Some days you feel pretty good about it and others not so much. There are people that you connect with that totally light you up and there are those that challenge you constantly. Total triggers for you. You read their words via email or overhear them and you can just feel yourself welling up with thoughts and feelings.
You're in your head a lot. You're busy but when you really focus in there's this undercurrent of commentary and drama and thoughts and feelings and they're all buzzing around. The day in and day out of all the demands of life is exhausting but even more exhausting is the internal experience you are having.
It's easier to stay distracted and engaged sometimes than to probe into the deep well inside.
Well today, I invite you to probe inside just a bit and find out what is really happening in you. Beyond the distractions of what you should be doing and what everyone else is doing and the what if's, overwhelm and general busyness of life.
I invite you to experience this little probe in order to ease your way through this day and maybe some other days too.
So, what are you feeling RIGHT now? What happens for you when you read that question? Do you blow it off? Do you feel annoyed? Do you have absolutely no clue?
Generally one of two responses come up for people:
#1: They have this automatic response that says, I always either feel happy, sad or pissed so I must feel one of those. Why does this even matter anyways?
#2 There is no space for my feelings anyways. I keep them locked up so that they don't come out too big or loud or needy or confusing or complicate things.
I get it. I'm constantly learning more about my feelings and working to allow each one of them as a visitor who is passing through. Here to teach me, show me something, speak through me, speak for me at times but always passing through and changing.
When we don't know what we are feeling, it is easy to ignore ourselves. When we ignore ourselves it is so easy to get to the point of overwhelm where instead of being able to accomplish the little things right in front of us, we can't accomplish anything.
I see this with my clients all the time. When they slow down and bring mindful attention and allowance into what is truly going on for them, into what they are truly feeling, they can suddenly take a new vantage point, have some extra empathy, find spaciousness, move forward where they were formerly stuck.
As I work with women who put their all into their work, their relationships, their families and everything and everyone but themselves, I've learned some ways that women neglect their own feelings. Here are some ways to bring mindfulness into the situation in order to change it.
#1: Set a timer on your phone to go off five times throughout the day. 8 am, 10:30 am, 1:30 pm, 4pm, 7:30pm. At each one of these times, pause and ask yourself the simple question of "What am I feeling right now?" By beginning the mindful process of knowing where you are at in any given moment, you become more intimate with yourself, more engaged. You're working from a place of having a choice on how to move forward not being on automatic.
#2: When you answer the above question avoid the words happy, sad or pissed. By expanding your emotional vocabulary, you expand the range of emotions that are possible for you to have. When we allow ourselves the full range of emotions that are possible we open ourselves up for more joy. When we damp down on our pain and expect to only feel joy, joy gets damped down too.
#3: When you find out what you are feeling when the timer goes off, practice allowing. The more we allow each and every feeling that is vying for a voice in us, the faster each one passes making way for the next. Greet it lightly like an old friend who's come to visit for the moment. Say something like, "Hey annoyance, you're here for a couple of minutes. I see you and feel you right now."
#4: Ride the waves. When you come into mindfulness of how you are feeling, you will see that each and every time you do your check-ins you will find varying degrees and tones of emotions. Ride the wave of each one knowing that none stick around for long. By feeling the natural ebb and flow of your emotional body, you allow the natural flow of your entire self which brings health, presence and spaciousness to your life.
So often we sweep our emotions under the rug in order to stay strong or stay focused or stay in control. We stuff them down until they demand our attention. When we're not comfortable with our own emotions, we are often not comfortable with the emotions of those around us. By taking the time to do this practice, we become closer with ourselves and more able to connect honestly and safely with all those around us.
I truly hope you have gotten some useful ideas on today's stop of the tour. If you’d like to continue the conversation on mindfulness of your feelings throughout the day, please join me and the other Tour Guides in the private Facebook community. Learn more about the Tour, and meet the 12 other Mindful Habits Tour Guides here.
In case you missed it, you can check out yesterday’s post from Brenda Errichiello, creative collaborator, editor, and writing coach. In it, she explores how to use ritual as part of your writing process.
And you can come by tomorrow when the post from Moira Kowalczyk, Integrative Occupational Therapist goes live. She’ll expand the definition of mindfulness as outlined and explained over 2600 years ago by the Buddha.
The Topic That Keeps Coming Up...........
I constantly find myself educating around allowing ourselves to actually feel the things that our body, mind and spirit are wanting us to feel.
Why is this so important? Why does this topic keep coming up in my life and my client's lives?
Because when we allow ourselves to feel what is really happening, things get easier. And when we allow ourselves to really feel what's happening we open up to more love and more grace and more compassion and more empathy. And who doesn't want that?
So how does this work again?
Let me give you an example from my own life...........
I've had a lot of really strong feelings come up this last week. I just moved from my heart's home across the mountains to the sea and I'm feeling all the feels about it! Today it's exciting and full of potential. Yesterday it was terrifying and lonely.
My old mode of operation would be to clamp down like crazy on the feelings of fear and loneliness and angst and longing. Kind of getting trapped in them.
When we clamp down on a feeling or can't stand a feeling, it actually shows up even STRONGER.
So my new mode is to RECOGNIZE and NAME what it is I'm feeling and literally invite it in. Invite it to be here 100% all the way, totally and completely even when it sucks.
Whenever I do this, the feelings pass quickly and I can watch myself move onto the next feeling.
While the "hard" feelings have been showing up in full force, as I've invited them in I've simultaneously been experiencing a deeper connection and magnetism to all things than I've ever felt before! And I'll tell you it's incredible to experience!
So how can you apply this to your own life?
1. Know that every feeling that comes through you is OK to feel. That each one will come and pass, even the "good" ones.
2. When you feel something you'd rather not, pause, notice and invite it in by saying something like "Hey fear, I'm feeling you and hearing you big time right now. I'm making dinner, you can come if you want." Watch especially for the ones you might ordinarily shrug off like disappointed, regretful, hurt.......
3. Watch and notice yourself experiencing feelings coming and going faster. When you allow yourself the full range of emotion that is YOU, your whole being is liberated. Not stuck behind ideas of what is Ok to feel and what isn't. When you notice others around you having feelings, you can allow them to be and feel whatever it is that is truly coming up for them without getting triggered, defensive, jealous, scared, worried, etc. You can allow them just like you allow you.
I invite you into this practice so that you can experience a greater connection to all things. So that you can be healthy in your emotional body-the one that feels for you but is not seen. So that you can expand your range and with that feel more joy and spaciousness and presence and patience and creativity than you have in a while.
Please let me know how it goes in the comments.
Also, have you heard about my new FB group? I would LOVE to have you join us there. It's an intimate space to share from your heart and deepen beyond overwhelm and being spread too thin. I'm there everyday to lend support and love and help members hear what their hearts have to say!
Finding the Courage to Open to the Possibility of Life
Life keeps throwing surprises your way. Like, not fun surprises. The annoying kind that fluster you, frustrate you and piss you off. Things seemed like they were going well and then bam, you’re hit with a twisted ankle, you hit a deer and mess up your car, you get that email that makes your heart beat twice as fast because you sense conflict.
And it keeps on happening; it’s one of those weeks.
Life seemed to be going smoothly and now it’s just not. Is Mercury in Retrograde, again….!?!
When these frustrating surprises come, you’ve noticed other people are able to handle them with grace and ease. You want the same for yourself but grace is not quite the word you’d use to describe yourself.
When it comes to you and surprise mishaps the words you’re more likely to use are pissed, self defeating, inner bitch, completely thrown off and flustered.
It’s getting old. This pattern of beating yourself up when things don’t go as planned. The most exhausting part of it all isn’t the incident that happened, it’s the beating yourself up afterward. You’re so tired of being tired all the time!
I’m here to propose an alternative. Bear with me here. It might take a moment to get the hang of it but it’s been radical for me and I think it can be radical for you too.
What if you reframed each and every “mishap” that turned up in the next week? A simple little reframe might open up a world of possibility.
Here’s how it works:
1. Something unexpected and generally anxiety producing happens.
2. You catch the fact that it’s happening and notice yourself having a negative reaction.
3. In the moment of catching yourself and noticing your reaction you wonder what POSSIBILITY might exist from this new turn of events.
4. You reframe the struggle into possibility and open your mind to ideas of how this could turn out to be useful, interesting, educational, insightful, exciting, etc.
5. You continue to dive into your courage in seeing the possibility in the situation instead of the fear or the pain or the angst.
6. You pat yourself on the back for giving this a try and you feel better all the while.
So yes, the method outlined above takes courage to enact. It takes tenacity to catch yourself in your responses to the world. It takes strength to open to what the world has to offer and not expect it all to fall apart.
It’s not easy. But each time you PRACTICE you step closer into the magical world of possibility. Into the magical world of YOU.
“I have NO time for myself…….EVER.”
Do you ever find yourself saying this type of thing to yourself or to your friends?
I know I’ve fallen into this trap before for sure. I keep myself so, so, so busy that I then feel I have no time for anything else. But, if I really stop to pause and question my busyness, I notice that I’m choosing almost everything on my list. I’m choosing to keep myself overwhelmed and overbooked.
Recently, I was chatting with a client who told me that she was completely overwhelmed and everything felt so scrambled and jumbled inside.
We took some time to examine what was really going on. Because of something that had happened in her family recently, she had decided she needed to be an extra credit healer, savior, fixer, friend, mom, mother-in-law, grandma, etc.. All the while, she totally abandoned her own needs. She kept telling me how busy she was and how overwhelmed she was.
One of the things this particular client loves is communing with nature. When I suggested she take some time to do that every single day in the next week, she paused and said “yeah, I could go for at least an hour every day.”
I was shocked. Here she was saying that she had NO time and was SO busy and then also she had an hour to devote to herself when prompted by an accountability partner?? What was the catch?
She had told herself a Story that she had no time.
We often do this. We tell ourselves Stories to make the world make sense. But what Stories are we telling ourselves that totally don’t serve us?
In my client's case, her hour of communing with nature brings her back to herself and her spirit and keeps the work we’re doing together alive in her so she can feel spacious and creative and present.
Where is there room for you and your unique needs in your life where you are currently telling yourself there is none? Mind you, it doesn’t need to be an hour(but certainly can be!). Even 5-10 minutes of really focused time for yourself can make all the difference.
Take a moment to investigate your over busy schedule and your overwhelmed, spread too thin mind. To move toward a break for yourself:
1. Examine your schedule and seek out Stories that keep you in busyness.
2. Remember the last time you felt totally at ease. What were you doing? Might that be something that you can simplify and integrate on a more regular basis?
3. Commit to taking at least five minutes for yourself a day in any way that feeds your unique soul(hint: silence, journalling, meditation, walks, dance, etc......).
I'd love to hear what Stories you come up with that keep you stuck in busyness, overwhelm and feeling spread too thin.
With big love,
Lexi
The Courage to be Vulnerable
Listen in to this podcast where I share my story of how I went from farmer, homesteader to mama/life coach. It all fits together pretty well actually.
May this interview inspire your own story and your willingness to be vulnerable.
In it I share practical tips that you can use today to navigate any pain or hard experiences coming up in your life.
I Have To Yell "STOP" At Myself
“STOP!!”
I literally have to yell that inside at myself sometimes in order to get myself to stop continuously thinking thoughts that scare me or stress me out. I notice I get into certain repetitive thought patterns that don’t serve me and unless I take back control, my mind just runs with it and I’m suddenly victim to my crazy mind.
Have you ever had this happen to you?
-Maybe you’re already feeling a little nervous about something and then you can’t stop thinking about it and suddenly your bit of nervousness turns into an ocean of feelings that are drowning you?
-You have a difficult conversation with a friend and you can’t stop thinking and processing and stewing over it? You turn it over in your mind again and again and again.
-Or, you call yourself names like “stupid, forgetful, lame, dumb, unfriendly, bitchy, disgusting, foolish, dorky” and you can’t let go? You drudge up all the Stories to prove how true these labels really are.
I invite you to try my simple “STOP!” method.
Of course the first step is catching yourself in these patterns of mental self abuse.
And then when you do, having the courage and strength to change the course your thoughts are on.
It’s definitely like training a new muscle. At first it feels really hard and weak but soon enough, you’ll be able to change the course of your thoughts and keep them heading in a direction that serves you instead of hurts you.
After you’ve pressed the stop button, you can start thinking about ideas that serve you. For instance, when I get nervous about my big day tomorrow, I press “STOP” and begin telling myself what potential gifts lie ahead, or showing myself what is flowing and working in my life or giving thanks for all that is happening. It sounds almost trite, doesn’t it? But, it works every time.
I’m curious to know how you think this tool might be useful in your life? Feel free to share in the comments
You Are Good Enough!
I heard Oprah say that out of everyone she's ever interviewed, from Beyonce to a mass murderer, when they step off the stage, they want to know, "Did I do OK?" or in other words:
Am I Enough?
Do You See Me?
Am I Lovable?
Let's face it, we all want the exact same thing. We all want to feel enough and to feel seen and to feel lovable.
Well, I'm here to tell you that that journey starts from within. Most likely many of us are carrying around Stories that tell us we are not enough and not lovable based on things that happened long, long ago.
The fix is an inside job.
The fix is to stop insulting ourselves, doubting ourselves, questioning ourselves and letting everyone else's truth be true for us.
The fix is to meet ourselves with EMPATHY.
So what is empathy exactly? It's being vulnerable enough to admit the feelings we have and the needs we have. It's being vulnerable enough to meet others in those same hard feelings and needs because we can relate to them and we're willing to get on their level.
It's saying to yourself, "Yeah, you're feeling tired today. I see that."
or
"Yeah, you really have a need to be seen and loved for all of the effort you are putting into that project/relationship/job. I see you and I love you for it."
Have you ever noticed you're really drawn to people who are OK being vulnerable around you? When they open up and let you in, it's so cozy and attractive? But you, on the other hand, N O way. You don't want to let others in, it's too damn scary. Well, vulnerability is what brings connection and empathy and authenticity. And, empathy towards ourselves gives us the safety to know it's ok to open up and be vulnerable. That we're not too weird or too different or too anything to be seen and to be loved.
Empathy is meeting ourselves where we are at. Wherever we are at, even if it's dark, lonely, ugly and scary. Or if it's vulnerable and tender. Even if it's light and buoyant and easy and clear. It's meeting ourselves over and over and over again right where we are at and watching as it changes.
Empathy fuels connection and is a practice.
In the comments, tell me one way you can meet yourself where you are TRULY at today (does not have to be a "pretty" story)
If you feel like whenever you state your opinions and needs you are overbearing or needy. Or if you think you need to apologize for your opinions and are ready for more self assurance so you CAN meet yourself where you are at (even when it's uncomfortable) grab a complimentary 30 minute call so that we can find out if we are a good match to help you completely transform these old patterns and step into confidence and self assurance.
Women Who Give, Give, Give (and still take care of themselves) #7: Amy B. Scher
In this interview series, we'll hear from powerful women who give, give, give. In our short chats together we discuss how they are giving of their hearts to this world AND how they take care of themselves in the midst of all that output.
Each woman has some special tips for you to apply to your own life as you pour your heart into your life's purpose.
Amy B. Scher set out to answer the question, Why do some people heal from emotional and physical issues, while others don’t? Since healing herself completely when doctors had given up all hope, she now helps others do the same. She knows our beliefs, patterns, and relationship with stress determine our wellbeing.
Amy has a recently release book, How To Heal Yourself When No One Else Can (Llewellyn Worldwide).
Today learn about:
- Why keeping yourself in balance needs to be your primary goal to have the work you do be as efficient as possible.
- How tapping an inch below your neck can regulate your stress and simple hacks for how to remember to actually do it.
- Why it’s important to let yourself relax so that your body doesn’t force you to relax.
- What ACTUALLY works to get to yourself to healing and well being.
And as Amy says in the interview, "The world doesn’t end but we end, we end our sanity and balance when we beat up on ourselves."
We want to know, in what ways do you beat up on yourself that feels like it's compromising your sanity and balance? Share in the comments.
Three Communication Tips for A More Kind World
For some reason, communication skills are not ones that we learn in school. Though every person, everywhere needs to communicate on a daily basis, somehow this has been missed as an important piece of curriculum.
Ten years ago, I joined a non-violent communication practice group that opened my eyes to a style of communication that had before that point been entirely missing from my life. I was more or less just bumbling through trying to be successful with as many people as I could. That was a turning point for me to bring intention into my relationships and my communications.
Since then, I have become a life coach and learned how to communicate effectively with people all over the world with their deepest truths and emotions.
I notice within my coaching practice that most of my clients get really stuck around knowing how to communicate safely and effectively with their partners, coworkers, family members and friends. From setting safe boundaries to not blaming others, it’s a skill we could all use some aid with.
These 3 tips can drastically improve the relationships with those around you and the one inside of you if you start implementing them.
1. Stop using "You" as the first word in any sentence.
It is so common to hear people in a heated moment say, “You didn’t finish the dishes,” or “You didn’t tell me about that appointment.” Just the energy of starting a sentence with "You" puts people on the defensive.
Why do we so often look outside of ourselves to place the blame?
When we start noticing where we are using the word "You" and change it to "I" magical things can happen.
For example, “I’m feeling frustrated because I thought you were going to finish the dishes.” Or “I’m really surprised about that appointment and it’s taking me a minute to figure out how to fit it into my schedule.”
The energy of the whole conversation changes and we take responsibility for our own experience.
Whenever you hear yourself starting with "You," pay attention and see if you can change the sentence around to starting with "I" instead.
2. Throw a question at it
In order to gain an understanding of where the person you are speaking to is actually coming from instead of jumping to any kind of conclusion or judgment, try asking a question in response.
Clarifying questions help us understand more about the situation at hand.
Everyone likes to feel heard and important. When you begin asking questions to gain more understanding the person you are speaking with has the chance to get center stage for a moment. And, you have the chance to gain more understanding.
A question I find myself asking often is “What do you mean by that?” “You’re saying that your burnt out, what does that actually mean to you?”
Try this one with yourself too. When you feel stuck and unsure of how to move forward, throw a question at yourself and sit down and right out the answer. You have more answers than you think you do.
3. Mirroring
Often when others are talking, we are in our own minds plotting out what we are going to say in response or completely thinking about something else. A lot of communications can get hung up just from this.
Here’s a tool to help you practice staying present with the person who is speaking:
Say back to them what they just said to you.
It’s so simple but usually takes us forcing ourselves to actually try it. If you can do this, it means that you were really, really listening to what was being said.
When your boss says to you, “I want you to secure two more clients by the end of the month in order to meet the goals we set out.” Before jumping to analyzing why he is such an ass or what you’ve done wrong, simply say back to him, “So you want me to secure two more clients before the end of the month in order to meet our goals?”
It takes a really strong muscle within us to practice this at first but soon after it becomes second nature. Instead of being in our own heads judging, dreaming and analyzing, we’re present to what is really happening right in front of us.
In fact, try this on yourself. Say back to yourself what you are thinking a couple of times throughout the day. When you start noticing what thoughts are really going on in your mind, you then have the power to change them if they are not serving you.
These are three tools that you can easily start practicing today to get you started on the path toward easier communication in your life. Since we weren’t taught this stuff in school, I hope these help!
No More Changing for Others, No More Blaming Others
The very first night of my life coach training program, I sat beside a poster hanging on the wall that boldly stated “Take 100% responsibility for yourself.” Wtf!? I thought.
I had never in my life been so blatantly told to deal with myself. It definitely hit me in a weird way.
The lead coach then explained what she meant and why the sign was hanging there. It meant, for whatever reaction came up in any of us at any point in our training, to claim it as our own and not blame others for the experience. If we were struggling, it was OUR struggle. If we were joyous, it was OUR joy.
It began to sink in and holy shit it kept me personally accountable.
That phrase has deeply stuck with me since then. It’s been one that that has now become an undercurrent in my coaching practice. It’s something that once people get, it is life altering on the deepest level.
I was working with a client recently whose self awareness was growing by leaps and bounds by having a life coach on her team. She started to notice that WHENEVER she was around other people, she was worrying, judging herself, awkward and uncomfortable. When she really broke it down, she noticed she wanted to please others so bad that she abandoned herself to them. In a basic sense, she was trying to take responsibility for their experience of her and completely stopped taking responsibility for herself. When we came around to this idea of her taking 100% responsibility for herself, it was like a lightening bolt had struck her and she saw everything from a new angle. While she was so busy taking responsibility for everyone else and their experience, she was kind of betraying herself.
If instead, she began taking 100% responsibility for herself, would that mean everyone else had to take 100% responsibility for herself and she was off the hook? Well, yes……..and no.
It meant:
-she was off the hook from worrying about their needs and their reactions more than her own.
-she was off the hook from betraying herself in hopes of everyone else being happy.
-her shape shifting to try and please the ever changing whims of everyone else could end and she could step into her full power and full authentic self.
And as for everyone else? She could hope that through her example they would step into themselves 100%.
What if everyone in the world starting tomorrow began to take 100% responsibility for herself? Consider how much blame, shame, judgment and pain would just dry up and end.
This simple but profound concept truly has the power to change the world. My coach was absolutely on to something. I dare you, starting tomorrow, to see where you can begin taking responsibility for yourself where you aren’t now.
Where do you easily push blame onto others?
Where do you shove away uncomfortable feelings or lack acknowledgement of your wins?
If you’re ready to make this leap and need support and tools for walking this journey toward owning your power and being fully OK with being 100% YOU, do get in touch. In my 1:1 coaching program, this is one of the core principles we use. Let’s walk together into the sacred space of claiming your heart and your profoundly deep well of love within.
From Overwhelm to Presence in One Minute
Again and again, I ask moms, professionals, leaders and caretakers around me, "what do you wish you had that you don’t right now?" and always the answer is PRESENCE.
We have the ability to be and do so much as women. People have worked hard to earn us the rights that we now have. We are so blessed to live in a time where we can go to work and work for an equal wage, where we can vote and voice our opinions. Where we can be leaders.
The thing is, we haven’t dropped any of our other roles as we’ve taken on these new ones. So now, we’re juggling EVERYTHING. We’re mama, homemaker, hearth maker, professional, leader, teacher, caregiver, student. We’re planners, community members, volunteers, school coordinator, chef. We’re everything to everyone.
And when we can’t keep up with it all. The inner perfectionist shows up to point out how we were late or how we don’t have the right art supplies for our kid. Or the inner control freak shows up to point out how our home is a mess and we’re not making as much money as we “should” be.
So it’s really is no wonder why presence is lacking in the lives of so many women right now.
It's no wonder why when we’re with our kids we’re thinking about work and dinner and laundry and when we’re at work we’re thinking about what snack we’ll bring our kid, the bills and the what time we need to get on to the next thing.
Yeah, presence has gotten harder to come by.
Here are some simple one minute exercises to help you cultivate presence NOW.
Each idea belows requires you to set your timer for just one minute and practice. Pick just one you want to try today:
1. Go outside and turn on all of your senses. See how much you can hear and how much you can see and how much you can smell. For that one minute, fully engage in the totality of being outside with your senses turned on.
2. For one minute feel your feet on the ground. Feel into the sensation of your feet on the ground. Feel your hands. Feel the connection point of whatever they are touching. Feel your clothes on your skin. Actually feel the point where they touch you and do nothing more than experience the sensation of it. Feel these sensations for one minute.
3. Imagine you are sitting by a river. Take one thought that you notice you are thinking and imagine yourself tossing it gently in the river. Imagine it slowly drifting down stream. If you can’t let that thought go, start counting out the paces as you imagine it floating down the river, 1……2……..3…….4. For each thought that you can catch within your timed minute, toss it into the river too.
Are you willing to set your timer for one minute and practice presence? Everything we do is a practice. Each moment you practice adds on to the last. If you do one minute each day, you've suddenly been present for seven minutes this week and almost a half an hour this month!
From these practices, we feel less scattered, less stressed, less frenzied. Our days feel less pressured, less rushed. We remember to use these tools when the going gets rough. They're right there in our back pocket, a one minute way to find ourselves in the midst of our very full plates.
I’d love to hear from you about which of the one minute practices you tried and how it went.
How to Speak to Your Intuition So It Speaks Back
We all get to crossroads in our lives where we need to figure out what's next. It might be a relationship ending with a friend or lover. It might be a calling that you have but can't quite put your finger on how to access. Or maybe it's a conflict with a co-worker or partner. These times can challenge us, leaving us feeling lonely and confused.
In those times, our minds/egos/inner critics love to invade any peace that we might ever find and remind us of the conflict or problem. We'll analyze it, blame, wonder, forget and then start the whole cycle over again.
For many of us, we know that there is a way to access a level of clarity in moving forward but we've never been taught how. Often there is a feeling deep within us calling to be heard but the mind just incessantly carries on shaming us, blaming us or them, pointing out our flaws and reminding us of our inabilities. It's EXHAUSTING. Generally, all those voices happening inside are more exhausting than the actual issue at hand.
I've seen it time and time again when people use their breakdowns to penetrate beneath these critical, incessant voices in their minds, these situations turn into breakthroughs. To get past beating ourselves up and exhausting ourselves we need to probe deeper than the chatter. We need to get inside our hearts and guts to the places that are fueled by intuition and sixth sense.
Surprisingly, this can be done by simply asking questions of ourselves that have never been asked before and creating a safe enough space (time and gentleness being key ingredients) to allow the answers to bubble up from within.
We know we are getting answers from the voice inside our hearts and guts because we:
- experience long pauses before answers.
- receive information that surprises us when presented.
- are challenged to think outside of our usual constructs in ways that when allowed intrigue us.
- suddenly see how to take one baby step forward where we didn't know what to do moments before.
The only skills you need to have to hear the voice inside your own heart is a bit of patience and 10 minutes of uninterrupted time.
Sit down with a piece of paper and write a question at the top. Something like:
-What do I need to know that I'm not seeing right now?
or
-What is the wisdom behind this experience I'm having?
From there let it all flow out. Know that the questions are coming from your mind and the answers are coming from your heart!
If you want to take this practice one step deeper and get support in receiving answers from your heart, book a Discovery Call with me at https://www.timetrade.com/book/GXVXM
Guest Post
Are You Addicted To Being Busy?
By Julie Houghton
Be honest: when someone asks you how you’re doing how often do you respond by talking about how busy you are?
Although I’ve come a long way, I know I have a tendency to let myself become so busy that it reaches the point of overwhelm. I did it back in my life in the corporate world, when I was often in environments where the expectation was to work long hours & always be ready to put your life on hold for the sake of work. And later my vision of myself as someone who was perpetually “busy” reached a whole new level when I left my corporate job & was starting a coaching business while also working a part-time job and taking care of two kids under two.
I remember the first time I heard of the idea of being addicted to busy-ness. Part of me wanted to protest: “But I HAVE to do these things. I don’t WANT to be so busy.” But deep down I knew that even if I did have obligations, I was taking on things I didn’t want or need to do to & telling myself stories about what it meant if I didn’t do them.
And when I stopped and examined my constant state of busy-ness, I realized that even though I was pushing myself to the breaking point and felt pretty miserable, I was actually “getting something” from trying to do more than I could handle. I was addicted to busy-ness.
It might sound strange to think there might be a payoff to pushing ourselves to the breaking point, but the truth is our culture celebrates busy-ness. When someone is busy our tendency is to see them as more important, more productive, stronger, even potentially more selfless (sacrificing their own well being for the sake of “getting it done.”)
Many of us have absorbed the idea that if we’re not busy we’re not reaching our full potential.
But the truth is, busy-ness is more likely to be BLOCKING you from living your potential. When you’re feeling totally fried from being so busy you can’t have your best ideas or do your best work. You can’t be your best self.
Some people genuinely need to work two to three jobs just to make ends meet & I’m not implying that they’re addicted to being busy. But assuming you’re not in that situation and still find yourself feeling overwhelmed by how “busy” you are, here are some tips to get out of survival mode and to a place that feels more grounded:
1) Examine your beliefs: What are your beliefs about what will happen if you don’t “get it all done” or “get it right?” What are you telling yourself you “should” do? What are you telling yourself other people are doing (that they may or may not be actually doing?) Once you become aware of your beliefs you can examine them & question if they’re actually true.
2) Ask yourself what you “get” from being so busy: Are you trying to prove something to yourself or to others? Are you avoiding something else? (sometimes we can use overwhelm as its own form of procrastination). Are you scared to have hard conversations or hold your boundaries & it feels easier in the moment to just continue saying yes when you already have too much on your plate? Once you become conscious of the pay off, you can bring more awareness to whether the choices you’re making are really benefitting you and what you might want to choose instead.
3) Be aware: When someone asks you to do something, check in with how you feel before you give an answer. Does it make your stomach knot? Do you feel a sense of exhaustion & dread? If it’s not energizing you, ask yourself if you really have to do it & why? Practice pausing & saying “Let me get back to you about that” before you commit to a request to give yourself some space to consider the choice you really want to make.
4) Ask for help: We all have things that really & truly do need to get done, but do you necessarily need to do those things alone? Could you ask someone to help you? Could you outsource it to someone else (even if that means paying for help)? Does it have to be YOU who does it?
I know from experience that when you’re used to living in a state of constant busy-ness, making space for stillness can feel really uncomfortable.
But that stillness is also where the magic happens.
Julie Houghton is a life and career coach who helps people find the courage to do work they love. Prior to becoming a coach she worked in marketing and strategy for Fortune 500 companies for 15 years and has her MBA from UC Berkeley. She’s also a mom to two kids under age 4, and the birth of her oldest daughter was the catalyst that prompted her to finally find her own courage to do work she loves.
When she's not coaching, speaking or writing, you can find Julie doing arts and crafts with the kids, hiking the Redwoods, or curled up with a good book and a seriously good cup of decaf coffee. Get her free e-book, “Five Simple Things You Can Do Today to Find Work You Love,” at www.juliehoughton.com.
Women who <>GIVE<>GIVE<>GIVE<>(and still take care of themselves) #6: Darcy Ottey
In this interview series, we'll hear from powerful women who give, give, give. In our short chats together we discuss how they are giving of their hearts to this world AND how they take care of themselves in the midst of all that output.
Each woman has some special tips for you to apply to your own life as you pour your heart into your life's purpose.
This powerful interview is with Darcy Ottey, a magical woman who brings Rights of Passage ceremonies into the modern world. She works with people who are disconnected from their ancestral roots to give them a sense of place in the modern world.
Today learn about:
How she continues to use her experience, of being out in the wild by herself for 24 hours at age 13, to guide her today.
Why remembering she's a channel for the universe is a go-to self care practice for her.
How remembering she doesn't have to do anything to be worthy of life is like a reset button.
Some excellent questions to ask yourself as you are finding your way in times of anxiety or depression.
Darcy truly is a special woman and you can find out more about her and the work she does at: http://riteofpassagejourneys.org/
We'd love to hear from you! Let us know in the comments, what is life calling from you and what's the fear in answering that call?
The 3 Skills You Need to Go from Burnout to a Life You Love
1. Saying NO when you mean NO:
A client of mine who is a chronic overcommitter, has known that she tended to say “yes” even when her heart wasn’t in it, but didn’t know how to break the cycle. Finally, she reported after some work together, that she was asked to cater an event that she has done for many years now and, instead of saying “yes” immediately she said “I need some time to think about it.” It was pretty radical for her. She took two days to really feel into herself if she wanted to take this catering gig that was a repeat and had been hard the last couple of years. She ended up saying “yes” and had a GREAT time catering the event, made good money and felt really, really good that she had truly decided from her gut before committing. It changed the entire energy of the experience for her.
She did it from a place of intention and strength in herself not obligation. And, she was so empowered by her courage to say “I need some to to think about it,” she’s used that lines many, many times since.
I invite you to try it: “I need some time to think about it."
2. Knowing it’s not selfish to take care of yourself:
In today’s culture, women are the homemakers, child bearers, daughters, friends, sister-in-laws, breadwinners, gardeners, caretakers, wives, etc. We wear SO many hats and have not been taught how to juggle all of these responsibilities. On top of that, often when we think about taking care of ourselves in addition to everyone else, we shame and guilt trip ourselves into thinking it’s selfish!!
I mean, REALLY!? How come everyone else deserves care but we don’t?
I invite you to try it: “It’s not selfish to take care of me."
AND THEN, notice what voices of protest come up and gently say to each and every one, “It’s really not selfish to take care of me."
3. Not belittling your gut’s desires:
· A client of mine recently was working through some stuff and at the end of the session, I asked her what now feels possible because she has removed so many blocks that were in her way? In a whisper she said “I’d write!” After a loaded pause she added, “Wow, I’ve buried that so deep, I forgot it was there. I used to write all the time and it was the most creative and relieving thing I did.”
Basically, once she took on all of her roles as worker, homemaker and wife, she let this important part of her sink to the bottom of all the other demands. She was totally enraptured by this thought that bubbled up from her intuition. But even in our conversation she started brushing it off. Laughing it off as if it was some silly idea that was what she used to do as a younger women but doesn’t have time for now.
We talked about it more and envisioned what it might feel like for her to put pen to paper just because her gut was telling her to do so. Slowly, she came around. She noticed how strong the voice inside of her was guiding her to write and how much she just laughed it right off. But, she made some time for it and her wise stories gathered over years are pouring out like a dammed stream free at last. She has so much wisdom to jot down.
I invite you to try it: What is your gut’s desire? How can you take one step toward meeting that desire this week?